?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Shadow
03 July 2016 @ 10:21 am
This entry is going to reflect several of my past posts... which seem to be only sad ones. I apologize to anyone who actually reads these things.

I am unhappy about my age. I feel like I am too old at 30 to become/do anything great. I am trying to get known as a cosplayer. I don't have the money, or the body that ppl expect from a cosplayer. I've been told to wait a year or so until my life is together and get back to cosplaying, but I don't see how this would benefit the effort of me being a cosplayer of note... I feel as if becoming anything of note in this field is rapidly slipping through my fingers. Beauty isn't everything, but I am old enough to see changes in my face and body. Changes I don't like. I want to be proud of my body... and I am not...and adding more time to me isn't going to help anything...


I don't have a career skill, or atleast I haven't been able to capitalize on any skills I do/might have. I'm busting my ass at a job that pays very little, but remains my only (current) source of income. Unfortunately, this overtime won't clear my debt, or get me ahead. At the most, all this work won't even break me at even... cause I need money for all the hobbies which I like to do..( cosplaying, makeup artistry, gaming TWITCH, YouTube, etc..)

As much as I want to do well at my job, and advance, I need money more. I need to find another job...

My heart is broken... and it's been broken for a long time. I've been single as a title since January 2015... and I still want to be with the man that left me. The man who has said things that should have given me the strength to move on, but there is something wrong with me. I've never wanted/loved anyone thing more in my life outside of my family more than my ex...and I still do. I hate the idea that I am being used..or that in truth, none of the time we spend together actually means something... I truly understand how someone can die from grief..

I feel like a person who lost a piece of herself she can't get back, and what was left is loney and lost. I spend alot of time wondering what I am going to do with myself. How am I going to make my mother proud, how I am going to be a sister worth her salt to my siblings.

I want to be proud of myself. I want to like being me. I want to love being me. I want a body that I'm proud of. I want to not hurt so badly anymore. I want to be able to sleep well again.. I don't remember the last time where I consistantly felt good after waking up. I want to be someone to look up to. I want to be better than this...
 
 
Current Mood: miserable
 
 
Shadow
26 November 2015 @ 07:04 am
2015  
Looks like I only post once a year now, and I made note that both 2014 an 2013 entries were fuled by some misfortune between Battle and myself. 2013 fights were rare, but every relationship has them. After our anniversary May 28th 0f 2014 things started to really changed. Needless to say, the update is that the inevitable has happened. He left me late January of this year, 2015. This whole year has been ups and downs. Living as an estranged friend to a lover with no title, to a side chick and back to a friend with benefits. The last few weeks have been good, however I know it doesn't matter. That's what hurts so much. I am in denial. I believe that he loves me as much as I do, and I find every small thing that he does to bolster that sentiment.

I don't know if it's honestly true. I do know that he is talking to other girls, and it looks like the next step is soon to come, and he'll be taken again. This time around, I doubt there will be an attempt to be "friends" or "talk". He told me specifically that we can't talk seeing how being around me while he is with someone can lead down the right path.

I honestly have never been more miserable in my life. I want this year to be over so badly, but I have no idea what the next year will bring. I need to wake up and realize that I'm not enough. That he needs to know what life is really like without me... he hasn't known what it's felt like since we were courting in 2011....

but I don't want him to forget me, I don't want my love to be for nothing..... I'm scared that all I am is a chapter in his book. One that's ended and meant nothing....that I'm the only one in pain....that he's laughing behind my back at the girl foolish enough to give him everything for free... I am in so much pain.

God help me...

I believed him, I believed in him that we were going to grow and be together, and learn how to take over the world. He even tells me now to have faith, but faith in what???

I don't know how to stay away, to walk away... this double edge blade that hurts either way... I walk away, I find out for sure whether I can find something else, peace or atleast coping, that I won't miss him so much that I run back when I can't take it anymore, when I just want to hold him and breathe him in.... or stay in this endless loop and write a death sentence on what possible hope of a future relationship that remains.....

Nothing helps... I want to feel better, but I don't want to stop loving him, or caring for him. I like loving him, even though trying to be with him seems to only make it hurt more when the reality comes crashing down on me when it's time to leave him.

I am supposed to be better than this. I am supposed to be getting my life back and cope with my loss...

It's true when they say love can kill you... I'm dying if not already dead inside.

It hurts to breathe... sobbing through this whole post, and this post will sit here until I decide to post again in 2016.
 
 
Current Mood: morosemorose
 
 
Shadow
19 March 2014 @ 03:26 am
For all my successes in life, and as wonderful as I look on paper, one wouldn't guess that I fluctuate between good and miserable on a consistent basis. I've also realized that even though facebook says I have 1000 friends and people claim they love me and think I am the greatest person, I feel alone. The reality is, I don't have anyone to talk to. Not my closest friends, not my boyfriend, and not my family. Reason being, is that there is an essential piece missing from each's understand to truly understand/accept/acknowledge where I am coming from. Either I'm too aggressive, and have very little peers, or I'm no more than a student trying to catch up with a "teacher" even though we've lived the same amount of years, but share very different levels of certain experiences.

I'm in the middle, either others are under me ( and not in the I'm better than them way) but lack something(s) that I need, or I'm under the one person in this world I want to respect/love/trust me the most.

I'm overwhelmed, and I am letting all the social politics of my life destroy everything else I spent the first 26 years of my life making magnificent. I've never hated a year of my life, but I can honestly say at the age of 27, I am very close to saying that my 27th year on this earth has been the worst of my life. I wanted 2014 to be different, and I know there is still time left in this year, I just don't really see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I am tired.
 
 
Shadow
20 August 2013 @ 08:22 am
It's 7:30am in the morning and I haven't yet been asleep. In fact I only arrived home a little over thirty minutes ago from my boyfriends house. Today or rather I should say yesterday was a good day until I asked him if he would like to see me. He told me "not today". When I inquired why ( first potential mistake) he said it was because even though he misses me we have nothing to do together. We don't currently hold alot of the same interests, and the ones we do, we have a different level of priority on that interest. I gave him options of things we could do, video-gaming, drawing, talk about wing chun, etc. However none of these interested him, and he just wanted to chill out and do his own thing for the day. This lead to a down-hill spiral in our conversation culminating to my silent tears (as usual) and not knowing where to go from there. Had he simply told me he wanted a day to himself the conversation would have never happened. I would have understood that and would have prefered to have only been told he wanted a day to himself then to the reasons he didn't want me around. Nevertheless I told him that if I came up with something to do I'd call him and let him know.

Seeing as my main objective was to be with him, I managed to get ahold of his friend Mejoh and got us invited to his home to hangout. I notify my boyfriend ( Battle is his name ) and he reluctantly agreed to go. So excited and nervous I throw on some clothes and race towards his house. Not even ten minutes from him door he calls me to tell me he has no clean clothes to go out in so he was going to cancel. I complained that I was already on my way to see him and in my mind was thinking if I could just stop by anyway just to have a quick smoke break and then leave him to his devices, I would have satisfied my goal in seeing him for the day. However before I actually asked him if I could stop by he cut me off and told me he knew what I was going to say and said that I could come by since I was already on the way.

I arrived to rather warm kisses and a hug and followed him upstairs to his room where I poured us some Christian Brothers whiskey and we laid back and watched two episodes of "Community". I had heard of the show before from other friends but never got up the personal drive to watch it myself. So thankfully he was engaged enough with me to answer my questions about the show, and the show itself was entertaining so that part of the night at least was fun. I finished my portion of whiskey and some then suggested that we take a smoke break outside. So we did. We got high and talked about Wing Chun, and tattoos. I've been wanting to get tattoo's that bind me and Battle together, and I told him that after knowing him for nearly fourteen years that I was ready to take the next leap. That I was tired of being in this limbo of him and I being shaky life partners. I am not entirely sure what he got out of that conversation, but needless to say after saying my smeal and him talking about his own tattoo's we went back inside.

High and slightly tipsy we laid back to watch more Community, and instead of watching the show got frisky. We did the do, neither one of us climaxing and then exhausted laid on the bed and passed out until 6:20 this morning. I woke him up letting him know I was leaving, and he said that he didn't consider days like this fun days and that I didn't listen to him when he said he just wanted a chill day. Battle walked me downstairs and I kissed him goodbye and told him that I loved him. He said that he loved me back, but the look on his face left me on edge. I asked him if he was upset with me and he just said "GO!" and I left the house. I started my car and drove off, but almost immediately called him on the phone. I asked him if he was truly upset with me and he responded " just leave it alone please, goodnight" and hung up the phone. I followed up and wrote him two text messages stating that I didn't enjoy leaving him on a not so positive note and that I would do what I could to fix these issues that we are having.

I cried for half of the trip home and here I am now writing in this stupid journal because my life is crap. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, and I believe that if we were truly a team and we truly want the same things there is no reason despite our differences why we can't be a healthy, functioning, happy couple. Honestly I feel like the one out of the two of us that really wants this. Not a relationship, but him and I together forever. I've been fighting an uphill battle ever since our year anniversary and I can't seem to get it right. Every time I make a step in the right direction there are two steps I have to take back because something else is wrong, or he doesn't actually like doing this or that, he's particular in this way so in order to be with him I have to deal and adapt to it, his quirks are what make him him and that he isn't changing for me or anyone else, that I am not wise in the ways of a relationship and that he's waiting on me to become the person I want to be and the person he needs me to be, how my emotions are too high and that I need to calm the hell down cause nothing is as bad as it seems, that he loves me as much as I love him but he shows it through action more than words or even physical touch on occasion.

It's all riding on what I choose or choose not to do. The pressure is unfair and unjust, and I don't know why I can accept all of his flaws and love him despite of flaws/want him for all the things he can do to make me smile/keep him for my partner in this life, and he can't see me in the same light... things are looking fairly hopeless. I don't know how much energy I have left to fight for this man that I love so much. My life as I used to live it literally stopped because my life focus became him. It should have always been me first, but never being in love before my fixation on our relationship and it's success is at the very least understandable. So I'm stuck in this loop of happy and sad, and even though he is the source of my sadness a few kind words, a loving look, just seeing his face is enough to melt away my sadness. He know's without a shadow of a doubt what I would do for him and how fervent my love is for him, but I don't know if love will be enough for us.. or rather enough for him... in fact I know it isn't...
 
 
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Nujabes
 
 
Shadow
11 February 2013 @ 07:20 am
2013  
So many things have changed since I last wrote in this journal, and it also seems like I only manage to make yearly updates. I've gotten a boyfriend, Battle, who I've been dating for 8 months now. My father has been dead for over a year. My health is in a steady decline, I have a new car but lost the job to maintain monthly payments. However it's mostly my emotional inner turmoil involving my relationship that has me so firmly where I am.

We aren't fighting, things are okay, so why am I not?

I'm depressed.. I find myself with very little motivation to do anything, and very little excitement for things to come. I tell myself that things could be worse, I am over analyzing and things are okay. I can't seem to hold onto that idea.
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
 
 
 
Shadow
09 February 2012 @ 02:54 am
hmm  
2012 has already proven to be an interesting year, and by interesting I don't mean all good things. However all in all I think I've come to the conclusion that some people should watch what they post, be sure of what they say, consider all that is at stake for others, understand that your situation may pale in comparison to others and know that stress kills.

It's only February. I have to do something about this year.
 
 
Shadow
14 January 2011 @ 01:42 pm
So 2010 has ended and I have reflected on my year a bit. Not much as I still don’t have the full mental capacity to truly indulge and explain everything swirling around in the recesses of my mind, but I will give it a go.



First and for most I am still in Japan which was a real surprise to me. Never thought I would enjoy my job as much as I did/do nor had I had any idea on my ability and able-ness to be an effective teacher. A job I swore up and down I would never do I’ve been doing for three years and I’m good at it. I suppose one can never say never. I had no idea I had the capacity to love so much. I adore those children even though once I’m gone some other exciting foreigner will take my place and I’ll fade into the small corners of their mind and remain a warm and blurry memory. However for me, I will always remember them and their faces. It’s truly rewarding.



As far as my accomplishments this year, I can say that I have achieved/done something with my year outside of being a Jet in Japan. I’ve traveled to four countries the last of those travels continuing into this current year. The countries I’ve seen were Vietnam, Australia, Hong Kong and Thailand. All of those travels have broadened my horizons and expanded my thinking. I am happy for this, though my wallet is never too pleased after such excursions. Along with traveling I have learned of my ability to sing. I believe I could improve on this, but the fact that I publicly sing now is a huge step for me. Since the beginning of 2010 I have been in a large scale play with a leading role, two or three gigs and a Japanese wedding reception. I also tried out for the 2011 annual play and have landed a role (though the importance of my role has yet to be determined). Also your average karaoke nights with friends, which in my opinion is probably the best of these experiences.



My makeup and costuming hobbies have beefed up quite a bit. Since 2010 I have made or threw together anywhere between five to ten costumes and began preparations on my own Makeup Website and Pioneering Youtube Channel. It’s hard work, but I hope it proves fruitful in the near future. I have to think a lot of people for being so supportive and sure of my skills. In a way this is a thank you for the complements and everything else I’ve been told. Also its something which I want to see how far I can go. Could I be professional without it being my profession? One can only wonder...



I’ve managed to do a few activities which I have never done before also. Some of them being snorkeling, going to onzens hotsprings), gone to a Sumo tournament, rode an elephant, pet baby alligators, read more books then I have in years, maintained my Girl Scout ambassador role and more. I’m sure there are some others in there that I’ve failed to remember, but then again my memory isn’t the best these days.



I also can make note of my failures. As far as taking care of myself and losing weight I have completely failed in these areas. I have no excuse for these failures, but they are what they are. I can only hope to approve on these things this year. I am not going to make a resolution to loose weight this year since it is something that I need to do for my life. Setting a goal doesn’t make it a necessity so I won’t call it that. I will see what I can do to improve that area of my life in this 2011 year.



All in all I honestly feel like I haven't done much in any sense of the word. There are times when people say I’ve done so much, and there is no need to push myself. However if I accept this then I won’t improve or do more if I say it’s ok to be where I am now. It’s something I don’t think most people understand. Just because I’ve reached a certain plateau doesn’t mean it’s good enough ( or perhaps good enough for me). I’m not sure what I want to be at the end of it all, but what I do know is that I want to be great. I want to be great in every since of the word, and to me I have a long way before I can ever claim that title. So this 2011 year I am going to strive to be bigger, better, and brighter than ever. Wish me the best.



I would love you hear what you think of my year wrap up. I don’t really talk about ME so I’d love to converse. I wish all of you a wonderful and exciting 2011!
 
 
Shadow
28 June 2010 @ 10:22 am
Well I have managed to be here in Japan nearly one year now. It's hard to believe that it's been that long already. When it all started time was going so slowly, and then I decided to get into EVERYTHING and now I never have time. Heh, that's how things go I guess. However lately despite the good times the world has been kicking me pretty hard. I want to say the ball started rolling towards then end of March when my Iphone was stolen till now when I am unsure I will be able to get a Jap License based on a rather stupid stipulation. I think I've just hit my limit of bad things to the point where I can't hide my weary anymore. On top with the longest (I would like a significant other) stint in my twenty-four years of life, things can get a bit complicated. It's pretty crazy. I cry at every movie that has a touching ending. Not balling or anything but misty eyed. I get pissed at Japans attempts to make me feel bad for being black even when these "attempts" aren't direct.

From the sound of it, it makes it seem like my year was rather sour which couldn't be further from the truth. I've had a hell of a year and my experiences have been fantastic. Hence why I’ve probably waited till now to actually whine/dwell about the bad things that’ve happened. However I feel that I should lay out a Positives/Achievements vs. Negatives/Failures list to see what I've done. 

Positives/Achievements
 Lead Role as Yamamba for the Charity Shows 20th performance the “Idol of Oz”
 Created the Tickets for the Charity Show
 Helped with Costume Design for the Charity Show
 Advanced my make-up ability being the Lead Make-up artist for the Charity Show and for Van’s Fashion Show, MASQUED.
 Traveled to three countries outside of Japan; Vietnam, Thailand, and Hong Kong China
 ENJOYED teaching my students, especially my Chuo and Koshino kids.
 Made good friends
 Attempted relationships
 Gained a measure of Fame with the JET and Japanese communities
 Improved my Art skills and maintained moderate frequency in creating it.
 Had NO drama with JETS.
 Maintained most of Lent
 Went to other parts of Japan; Sapporo, Osaka, Tokyo.
 Watched a SUMO tournament
 Went to the (biggest) Yuki Matsuri (snow festival) in Japan.
 Learned to eat food I thought I’d never eat. Ex: Squid, Quail Eggs, Seaweed etc…
 Started sewing ( bought a machine.. need to actually use it! Heh)

If there are more please help me list them. I’d like to make a note of it to myself.

Negatives/Failures

 Didn’t loose any weight really. Maybe a few pounds here or there
 Had my Iphone Stolen in Vietnam
 Had bronchitis during Silver Week
 Back went out for about two weeks
 Vietnam Visa flop
 Jap License dilemma (on going)
 Didn’t save at least 5k this year.
 Didn’t learn much Japanese
 Did not climb Mt. Tateyama
 Lost my house key (on going dilemma)
 Haven’t been devoted enough
 Accepted that in Japan I’m always going to be the “best-friend” and never the Girlfriend.

I should be writing more but I am at work and actually pretty sleepy T_T Laterz!
 
 
Shadow
20 April 2010 @ 02:26 pm
Ok, so I just wanted to say something random in the tag line. It possibly has something to do with the fact that I am tired out of my mind, and at work passing the time doing random things since I've finihed teaching classes for today.

Things I need to do:

Work on art
Study Japanese lines for the play
Work/render my art and make-up logos
Hit the gym
Start wrtting again
Pack for Hong Kong
Work on finances
Tie up loose ends ( if any remain)
Replace my stolen Iphone :(
Finish production work for play
Finish the atm guards or costume
straighen up my apartment
Watch some anime on my "to watch " list
Learn Japanese lawl

For those who know and are wondering, things are just fine here in moon country. However can't wait to visit the Fam and Friends during my visit to the states in July.
 
 
Current Location: at work
Current Mood: fine
Current Music: patter of keys
 
 
Shadow
31 March 2010 @ 06:28 pm

Sooo I've been here in Vietnam for seven days now. It's been a wondeful, interesting and enlightening ( some good some bad ) experience. Been a while since Ive saiduch here and I van only hope that everyone who used to read I still interested in my normal/ not so normal life routines. Ofcourse when I am not waiting to get a 10 hour plus bus ride to Nha Thang I will be far more informative of my day to day activites whilst here in Vietnam.

Other then that, Tav and Kiro you have indeed been on my mind and I hope you are doing well.

Leah and Jessi, I miss talking to you both very much.

Will write more soon!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags:
 
 
Current Location: 15.881324, 108.327938